u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
