I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
