We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
