the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
