I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
