I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
