that's an acceptable place to lick
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
