woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
