i always forget guys have bellybuttons
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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