You really coming over, don't trick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
