So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
