birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
