I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
