you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
