The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
