Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Someone shattered a urinal.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
