Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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