I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Drunk is a universal language darling
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
