remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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