I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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