I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
