His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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