I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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