The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
