K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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