a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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