I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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