she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
