Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
