My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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