Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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