You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Found the puke drawer
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
