Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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