YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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