my being single is dangerous.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
