i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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