You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
