I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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