im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
