I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
