well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
