I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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