Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
