I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
