Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
