i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
