Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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