When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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