New low: just hacked my moms facebook
false alarm. still invincible.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
