so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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