I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
